


but when he walks in, I am loved, I am loved

by SamiraScamander



Category: Castle (TV 2009)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, F/M, Fluff, caskettaw2020, set in Season Two, this is for caskettaw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:14:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27271756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamiraScamander/pseuds/SamiraScamander
Summary: “Castle? Come over, and we’ll see if we can get your inspiration to strike again. I’ll order dinner. Sounds good?”, she asked, her voice the slightest bit unsteady, not noticeable for anyone else except them. Because no one else watched her, studied her for two years now, no one else knew all her tells, knew how her voice sounded whenever she’s frustrated, happy, sad or annoyed. No one else paid this close attention to her every breath except for him. Of course, he caught her slight wobbly voice, even as he didn’t comment on it.Kate didn’t want to admit to herself that she’s holding her breath, counting her heartbeats, until finally, hours (or seconds?) later, he agreed.
Relationships: Kate Beckett/Richard Castle
Comments: 3
Kudos: 18
Collections: Caskett Appreciation Week 2020





	but when he walks in, I am loved, I am loved

A ring disrupted Kate Beckett‘s sleep on her first day off in months.

_Please don’t let it be dispatch_ , she thought while she slowly picked up the phone.

  
“Beckett?”, she answered the phone and tried to clear her foggy mind.

“You sound sleepy. Did I wake you? But it’s dinner time now, you can’t possibly be asleep.”, a voice that sounded all too familiar answered.

“Castle?”, she said into the phone, her voice rimed with sleep, while she sat up in bed. She knew this was not going to be a short conversation. God, she hated him sometimes.

“Yes. Happy to hear my lovely voice?”

“Castle, have you ever heard of days off? Or naps? I might just enjoy sleeping on my days off. You know the days when I’m not solving a murder shadowed by a nine-year-old who annoys me all day long.”

“Ow, that hurts, Beckett! I bring you coffee, I have my uses, I’ll have you know.”, he started to defend himself.

_Yeah, I can imagine what kind of uses you’d have,_ she thought and instantly focused on her response. Normally she could supress these kinds of thoughts. Normally she had at least an hour after waking up before seeing or speaking to him.

“And I am eternally grateful for that, since I obviously couldn’t go to the coffee machine and get my own before I met you. Why are you calling me, Castle?”, she teased him, while she rub off the sleep from her eyes.

“Honestly, Beckett, the disgusting drink you had before could hardly be called coffee, so yes I think several thank you’s are in order. However, I am able to look past that, if you tell me what does the great and amazing Kate Beckett do on her day off?”, he shot back.

She rolled her eyes. She wished she could slap him right now. Or kiss him. She wasn’t particularly selective about what do.

_Focus, Kate._

“Sleeping, for example. Which I was doing before you so rudely interrupted me for a reason you still haven’t told me.”

“Sorry I woke you.”, he sounded genuinely sorry, which elicited a smile from her. It was good that he wasn’t here, he’d tease her for weeks about it. Before she could stop herself, she imagined things she normally wouldn’t let herself think about: lazy Sundays spent in bed, her days off with them beginning the day together, having breakfast, lounging on the couch and cuddling with him while they watched a movie alone or with Martha and Alexis. The problem was that she could imagine it all, she could see it as clear as day, but she wasn’t sure she was ready to give into that yet. They weren’t ready yet.

“It’s okay. Don’t worry, Castle.”, she said softly and smiled, while she twirled her hair around her finger.

“Now, why did you call? Any particular reason?”, she asked and if her voice got a little breathy at the end, he was certain he’d imagined it.

  
  


“Honestly? I’m stuck in this scene and I thought maybe talking to you could offer me new ideas. Maybe I just wanted to hear your voice. You’ll never know which.”

“You know, you can just admit you want to call me to hear my voice. It’s endearing, Castle.”, she teased without any real bite to it. It’s been happening more frequent lately and if she was honest to herself, she didn’t mind it one bit.

“I wasn’t lying earlier, I am actually writing and stuck in this scene, but I always want to call you just to hear your voice too.”, his voice was tender and she could feel her heart beating loudly in her chest.

“Then why don’t you, Castle?”, she blurted out and her voice hitched.

She wasn’t sure why she even asked, wasn’t even sure she wanted to hear the answer and she wasn’t sure if he even knew what to answer. What she was sure about though, was that she wanted to make a move, to nudge them into honest territory, into a conversation they usually avoided.

“I – This is going to sound so stupid.”, he said and laughed.

Kate heard him take a breath and exhale, like he was gathering himself and preparing himself for what he was about to say.

  
“I don’t call you just for the sake of it, just to hear your voice, because I don’t want to annoy you. I know I’m not the easiest to endure and it’s often more annoying than helpful, if helpful at all, and I guess, I just don’t want to bother you in your private life as well. Don’t want to take that away from you too. You should have time for yourself where you’re safe from me”, he laughs humourlessly, but they’re both silent.

She had to agree with him, it did sound ridiculous putting it like that, but she knew long ago that the humour is just an act. Not all of it, for sure, but a big part of how he acted at the precinct is staged to compensate for his insecurities.

“Rick, I need you to know that while you can be the annoying nine-year-old most of the time, you are also an amazing listener, and you connect things in a completely different way than we do, because we’re focused on the facts and you chase the story and as you’re aware, it has helped us many times before. You’re helping, you’re my partner and my friend. We’re friends. So, just call me anytime you’d like, okay?”, she said and closed her eyes.

She was glad she didn’t have to have this conversation in person, she never managed to get out the words that truly mattered, but _oh_ , how she would _love_ to see the reaction on his face right now. She loved just watching him while he looked at the evidence, the murder board and connected the dots, loved seeing the way his brain worked, loved seeing the excitement on his face once he figured it out. Mostly, she just loved him.

“Thanks, Kate. You’re my friend too. I know you like to keep things for yourself and that’s okay, but I just want you to know that I am here for you. Whatever you need, whenever you need, okay? I don’t have to be this persona all day. I can listen.”

She smiled. Forget all her earlier thoughts of pretending not to want him, want him here, she would kill to have him here right now. Then it was clear to her. She had her day off. He had problems writing. They both didn’t have any plans. Technically, he could come over. What’s stopping him? She frowned. Honestly, what’s stopping him from coming over right now? She felt stupid for not realizing this earlier, but now she did and that’s all that mattered.

“Castle? Come over and we’ll see if we can get your inspiration to strike again. I’ll order dinner. Sounds good?”, she asked, her voice the slightest bit unsteady, not noticeable for anyone else except them. Because no one else watched her, studied her for two years now, no one else knew all her tells, knew how her voice sounded whenever she’s frustrated, happy, sad or annoyed. No one else paid this close attention to her every breath except for him. Of course, he caught her slight wobbly voice, even as he didn’t comment on it.

Kate didn’t want to admit to herself that she’s holding her breath, counting her heartbeats, until finally, hours (or seconds?) later, he agreed.

  
“Let me pack my notes really quick, I’m at yours in 20 minutes?”, he offered.

“Sounds great. What do you want to eat?”, she held her phone with one hand while she’s already pulling out the many take-out menus she has compiled over time.

“Surprise me. See you soon”, he replied.

“See you soon”, she waited until he hangs up a few seconds later.

Surprise me, he said. She knew what else he left unsaid, things like _I trust you_ and _I trust your judgment_ and she could feel a warmth spread through her body.

When she opens up the door for him twenty minutes later, he feels like all the air in his lungs was knocked out. He’s speechless. He’s seen her in dresses he picked out for her, seen her in a whole variety of clothes, but this one seems to get him in a way the others didn’t. This isn’t Detective Beckett, this is Kate. Kate, who doesn’t have to be a tough, badass, cutthroat cop because she wouldn’t survive otherwise, who wears six-inch heels to make guys look up to her instead of looking down on her and who catches murders for a living. This is Kate, who apparently wears no makeup, sweater and sweatpants when she’s at home and relaxed.

She looks outright _adorable_ , a word he’d never used for her even though he was sure she was capable of it. Right in that moment, he fell in love all over again and he had no idea how he could get his mouth to form actual words, to set one foot in front of the other, how to _breathe_ in her presence. Right here, she is the most beautiful woman he has ever laid eyes upon and he’s just _so_ in love with her.

She leaves her position at the door in favour of the couch and turns around, throwing him a teasing smile and a “You comin’, Castle?” before he manages to pick up his jaw from the floor and step into her apartment. He closes her door on the way in and breathes in for a second, just lets the scent of her apartment sink in before he started moving for the couch.

“I really need to get some writing done if I don’t want to be beheaded”, he jokes and she laughs.

“We’re in the twenty-first century, I think you’re safe, Castle.”, she smiles at him.

“Well, knowing Black Pawn, they would find a way to get me back in the French Revolution to behead me properly if I don’t turn this in on time. They’re wicked like that.”

“Do you mind going over some scenes with me? Or would you prefer not to know?”, he teases, loved bringing up subtle hints of her being a fan of his books. It was just too good of an opportunity to pass up.

  
  


“I’d love to help you if it’s not too much of a spoiler. I might just decide to annoy you throughout it though, to see how you do your job with someone distracting you all the time”, she smirks.

“Katherine Beckett, are you saying I distract you?”, a (hellishly handsome) smirk appears on his face.

“You are annoying me and therefore, you qualify as a distraction. What about it, Castle?”

  
“Sure. If that’s all it is.”, he just says and grabs his box of Chinese food, all the while smirking at her with that smile in his eyes, unwilling to back down from a challenge.

It’s one of the things she loved most about him. If she was to give into a relationship with him, at least it wouldn’t be boring. Kate couldn’t imagine that any time spent with Castle could ever be boring. She couldn’t help but think about how different her relationship with Will was compared to this hypothetical one with the writer. It made her all the happier that he moved to Boston, couldn’t imagine how she could ever think that a relationship with Will was what she wanted. She’d been so wrong.

“That’s all it is”, she agrees and grabs her box as well.  
  


He’s here, on her couch, in comfortable clothes, his laptop and notes displayed on the coffee table, and she’s here, in comfortable clothes, joking around and teasing him and she looked at him and the only thing she can think about is _I love you._

It runs like a permanent loop in her head, over and over again, and she thinks she might burst if she doesn’t tell him right now.

_I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I lo-_

Castle’s voice brings her back to the real world. She can’t tell him even though she so desperately wants, no, _needs_ to.

“I asked if I could ask you a few questions, you know for Nikki. To see if it fits for her.”

Right now, he seems so unlike the man she got to know at the precinct, so unlike anything she’s experienced from him so far. That wasn’t the complete truth though. She saw his compassion and his kindness, his attention to detail, his attention to _her_ , his love and passion for his craft and the excitement he still seemed to have for it. It was all still the same man, he just let his shield and wall fall down and allows her to see the raw, kind parts of him that she normally only saw in the subtext of bringing her coffee or the tender way he looks at her after an exhausting case.  
  


  
“Sure. Ask whatever you want, Castle.”

Fluent in their layered language of subtext, he immediately recognizes the words for what they were. _I trust you_. She’s giving him permission to ask things, she’s opening up to him and he smiles at that. Feels honoured.

“Let’s start easy. Which is your favourite season of the year?”

“It’s autumn, actually. My mom, my dad and I used to go on long walks when I was a kid and we would collect any chestnuts we saw laying on the ground and we would use them to build stick figures and put them everywhere in the house. It stuck and I loved autumn because of it. We would all prepare months in advance where we would put our figures because my dad”, she laughs and intertwines their hands, but she’s so caught up in her story, he’s pretty sure she hasn’t even noticed it, so he just smiles to himself.

“My dad had this really stupid award for something I don’t even remember, some contest in college I think, and whoever had the most creative hiding place would get to keep the prize for a year. It’s ridiculous, but I loved it so much.”

“My mom would have loved you. She’d find you terribly funny and laugh at all of your jokes, it would be terrible for your ego”, Kate laughs, while she softly caressed his hand. She had very soft hands, and while he had touched them many times, he found himself surprised in this moment. Perhaps it was the way she gently touches him, like she would a loved, worn object, one that’s been loved for decades, or perhaps it was the soft tone of her voice, telling him tales of her mom, trusting him with stories of her mom. Maybe it was just the soft look in her eyes and his heart that yelps and jumps at any piece of her she gave him, maybe it was just that he was so incredibly in love with her and he didn’t know how one small heart could possibly contain all the love he felt for Kate Beckett. 

He smiles at her in return, at a loss of words and she smiles like she knows, like she’s teasing him with a “speechless, huh?” and a smirk on her lips.

“So, what’s your favourite season, Rick?”

“You know you’re not supposed to turn the question around?”, he smirks.

“When have I ever done what I’m supposed to do?” “When have you ever known me to do what I’m supposed to do?”, she lets her eyes rake over him once, slowly, and then settles back into the couch.

“It’s winter actually. I love the comfort and the warmth I connect with the season, mostly due to Christmas. It’s my favourite holiday and it means a lot to me. And of course, coffee is mainly a beverage meant to keep one’s body warm in autumn and winter.”, he couldn’t help but throw in a remark about coffee, just to see her reaction.

“I should’ve expected that answer. Don’t think I ever met someone so excited for Christmas as you. It’s cute, you know?”

“Beckett, I’ll have you know that everything about me is cute, don’t you think?”, he teased.

She laughed and holds his hand a little tighter, like she only just realized that they’re holding hands. It’s stupid, she doesn’t even know why she’s laughing about it, but she can’t help it. She adores him and his stupid humour so much.

“I don’t know, Castle, are you?”

She knew which words she would choose. Handsome, kind, funny, cute all came to her mind. Kate didn’t want to think about how she hasn’t chosen a single bad word to describe him when only a year ago, she would’ve jumped at the chance to attack him with as many hurting words as possible.

“Ask me something else.”

“Do you prefer cooking or baking?”, he supplied after a minute.

“Cooking, even though I don’t have enough time to do it often. I love baking as well, especially in autumn or winter around Christmas.”, she grins warmly.

She looks so comfortable in her own home, with their empty food boxes on the table, their coffee mugs next to it and their hands intertwined. He has never been more in love as he is in this moment, looking at this adorable woman he gets to call his best friend.

“I love cooking with Alexis and even though I cook more than I bake, I prefer baking. I always connect it with Christmas and baking cookies.”, he smiled.

“What’s one thing you definitely want to do in life?”, he asked.

She was quiet for a few moments before she answered.

  
  


“It’s a good question. Um, I think I’d like to travel more. I love traveling, but now I don’t have a lot of time any more. I think I’d just like a good reason to use my vacation days and not have them pile up again like they always do”, they both knew she chose a coward’s answer, but she wasn’t brave enough yet, she wasn’t strong enough.

  
_I want to be brave enough to tell you how I feel,_ Kate thought.

“You might be able to help me out with my chapter. In this scene, Nikki and Rook are preparing to go on a date and I don’t know what they should do and what they should talk about. I don’t feel the connection to them right now, they don’t want to talk to me”, he runs his hand through his hair.

“Well, I’d like to go to a museum or just get dinner, talk, get to know the other person better. I don’t think Nikki and Rook would go to a cinema or anything else where you have to be quiet for a long period of time, I think they would eat dinner or take a walk in the park or something that’s filled with a bit of action. Something that challenges their mind and where they can still talk to each other. Something fun.”, Kate replies after a minute of thinking. She tried desperately not to think about how her perfect date was already happening here with him, they were talking, eating dinner, asking questions about the other. She chased the thought away and focused on his calming presence next to her instead.

He smiles. He forgets sometimes that deep down, Kate Beckett is still a fangirl. She’s probably read Heat Wave several times by now, freaked out about it, or at least he likes to think so. Rick likes to think that it has a special meaning for her. Whether it’s fiction or fact, she has thought about these characters often enough to be able to capture their spirit in her answer. He thought to himself that he should really call her next time he struggles with a scene. She’s really doing wonders for his writing.

“You know, this is actually a great idea. If I expand it a bit it would fit perfectly to the general storyline I had planned”, he answers.

“Beckett, you’ve done it, thank you. Would you mind if I”, he points to his Laptop.

“Not at all, I see you’re itching to write this scene. Do it, take your time. I’m just gonna get my book from my night stand”, she smiles.

“I’m terribly sorry”, Rick said.

Kate laughed. “It’s what you came for, didn’t you? Glad to be of service”, she reassures him before she walked in her bedroom.

He still felt terrible for abandoning her like this, especially in her own apartment, but she made him feel like it didn’t bother her and she genuinely felt happy for him that she could help him out. Meredith and Gina always hated it when he got nervous because he got an idea and had to cut an evening together short because it wouldn’t leave his mind until he wrote it. It left him with a terrible feeling of guilt every time he had to cancel something because of his writing. Kate was different though. He shouldn’t be surprised by this, given that she never once makes him feel bad for his job and that she continues to amaze him, but he couldn’t help but feel excited that she finds new ways to surprise him every day.

He puts his laptop on his lap and starts writing, the words in his mind start appearing on the screen as a new idea forms in his head, much better than what he was originally going with.

Kate comes back, book in her hand and settles at the end of the couch. She stretches out her legs, so that they almost reach him on her small couch. He appreciates her giving him space to write, but still staying in close proximity. Castle looks over to her and a smile falls over his face at seeing how content and cute she looks curled up on her couch with a blanket over her body and a book in her hands. She notices his staring after a few seconds and smiles back, but raises an eyebrow as though to say “aren’t you suppose to do something else?”. He laughs and turned back to the fictional version of his partner and him on his screen, preparing for their first date.

She decided that she wasn’t going to keep this book two days ago, it was boring and she already knew who the killer was fifty pages in. It was hard sometimes to find a good book that challenged her and kept her interested because she often figured out who did the crime just a few pages in. She thought about just reading Heat Wave again, but she didn’t want to give him that satisfaction, especially if he sits so closely to her. This way she could watch him work and craft a new novel she would undoubtedly fall in love with. Even though she was his best friend now, she was still at heart a huge fan of his books and getting to see him work like this was more than she ever hoped for.

She reads and he writes and it’s domestic, far more domestic than she thought she would like, but she can find herself imagining this becoming a regular occurrence. It scares her sometimes; how easily she can imagine a life with him. She’s ready to take this step now, she’s ready to make this her life.

After an hour , he looks up to her again and this time his gaze remains fixed on her and his eyes don’t flicker back to his screen a second later. It’s cute, how he seems to care if she’s still comfortable, if she’s still okay with letting him work.

“I’m done for now. Wine?”

“I’ll get it.”, she puts the blanket aside and stands up to get the wine from the kitchen.

He saves his document for the second time and finally closes his laptop and puts it aside.

“How’s it coming along?”, she asks him while she’s pouring wine in their glasses.

“Oh, wouldn’t you like to know?”, he smirks and takes a sip from his glass.

She rolls her eyes and sits back on her couch, this time closer to him.

“Let’s play a game, Beckett. I’ll answer you and you answer one of my questions. Deal?”

She eyes him for a second, then agrees.

“No spoilers though. I still want to read the book after all.”

“I will be considerate of your fangirl wishes.”, he answers solemnly and yelps as she hits him lightly against his arm.

“Idiot”, she mumbles under her breath and takes a sip of her wine.

“It is in fact part of the general storyline, so I can’t say much, but I did end up using one of your ideas. You are very inspirational, you know that?”

  
“Well, isn’t that what a muse supposed to do?”, she says but puts a finger on his lips as he tries to say something in reply to that.

  
“Don’t. Just because you insist on calling me a muse and I did it right now doesn’t mean I like it or that I allow it, got it?”

“Of course, Detective.”, he said seriously, like he would if he would be a perp in an active case.

“Oh, shut up. Now, what’s your question, Castle?”

“How’s your book? Interesting?”

“Boring. I already know who the killer is. Is that really how you use your question?”, she asks with a certain disbelief in her voice.

“Of course, you do. I’m not surprised. Maybe I’m just interested in your literary satisfaction, Beckett.”, he smirks, like he knows what it does to her when he does that, like he isn’t implying anything else with his words.

She hates him just a little bit more for that. Because Kate Beckett doesn’t love Richard Castle. He isn’t the one she dreams to wake up with on mornings where the sun shines way too bright and she has to get up soon. He isn’t the one she wants to come home to after a long day. No, she just hates him a little for looking so good, so at home in her apartment, her life.

“Why were you looking up at me when you were writing?”, she asks him after a few moments of nothing but stares passed between them.

“You’re my inspiration”

It’s the only thing he said, while he smiled at her so genuinely, like it’s the only explanation he could think of, the only thing that felt true. She realizes in that moment that there’s no use running from him, from what they could be. She’s always known that it was inevitable, but she didn’t want to be true back then. Kate’s tired of waiting, of pretending not to be in love with him when he’s sitting next to her on her couch, looking so much at home in her apartment.

  
“Is there anything you want to tell me, Rick?”, her voice is breathy and she just hopes he gets her clue and makes the first step instead of her.

“I’m not sure what you mean, Kate.”

He’s not quite sure what she’s implying here, though he certainly hoped for them to finally talk about what’s happening between them.

“Is there anything you would like me to know? Anything that would change our lives quite fundamentally?”

After a few moments of silence, she sighs.

“You are really making me say it, aren’t you?”, she exhales a shaky breath and closes her eyes, before she opens them again and looks at him.

“I like this tonight. I like having you here, having dinner, watching you work. It’s far too domestic than I would ever think I’d like, but I think I could love it if it’s with you. You’re my best friend and I don’t want to lose you, but I would love to explore what else we could be”, she said softly, her voice quiet.

“Are you saying what I think you are?”, he’s trying to wrap his mind around the words she just said, tries to understand their meaning, but every time he comes up empty-handed.

“What I’m trying to say is, take me on a date, Rick.”, she smiles nervously, not quite sure what he will say. It’s foolish, everyone can see how much he loves her, but she still holds her breath until he answers her.

“I’d love to. Whenever you want.”, he replies and his smile is taking over his whole face, he is so happy it can’t just be restricted to one area of his body.

She smiles back at him and gently looks down on their hands, before he leans in and kisses her for the first time.

  
She’ll make him take her out after her shift ended tomorrow, but until then she has more important things to do. Like kissing him and making up for all the precious time they lost until now, time she could’ve spent kissing him instead. Whatever happens tomorrow, she was sure that it was going to be just _extraordinary_.


End file.
